Armstrong Makes History -With Dramatic Tour Win Fifth Consecutive Victory Ties Indurain's Record
He makes rest of us look like whiners!
He didn’t just BEAT cancer,he stomped that bastard into the ground!
PARIS - Sipping champagne to celebrate, Lance Armstrong won his hardest but sweetest Tour de France title Sunday - a record-tying fifth straight victory that places him alongside the greatest cyclists ever.
The 31-year-old Texan and Spanish great Miguel Indurain are now the only two riders to win the sport's most grueling and prestigious race five times in a row - a record Armstrong plans to break next year.
Savoring his feat on a largely processional final stage past distinguished Paris landmarks, Armstrong sipped from a flute of champagne and toasted his achievement with a "Cheers!" as he rode, wearing the overall leader's yellow jersey that he had so ardently coveted.
"It's a dream, really a dream," Armstrong said in French after climbing the podium while "The Star-Spangled Banner" rang over the Champs-Elysees. "I love cycling, I love my job and I will be back for a sixth."
The indefatigable Armstrong overcame illness, crashes, dehydration, team and equipment problems and uncharacteristic bad days during the 23-day, 2,125-mile clockwise slog around France to win by his smallest margin - 61 seconds over five-time runner-up Jan Ullrich of Germany.
A perfectionist, Armstrong said the closeness of the victory was already motivating him to come roaring back in 2004.
"You have to do like him to beat him. He's certainly a star, but I don't know if he's a superstar. It's a new generation of riders. They have radios, they work more closely in teams. It's a different era," he said.
Armstrong wilted in scorching heat that day in the south of France, hanging onto second place but losing about 11 pounds. His performance prompted speculation that at 31, he was too old to win again.
Sunday, July 27, 2003
Monday, July 07, 2003
Taking a Quick Swipe at Cancer
-sure beats a colonoscopy!SIGH!,
as i prep for a scope tomorrow!!
A new handheld scanner may mean patients being screened for cancer will no longer have to cram into the narrow tunnel of an MRI or CT scanner for a grueling 40-minute exam -- the patient won't even need to undress.
The doctor will simply swipe a 30-centimeter baton over the patient's body, and information on any irregular tissue will be displayed on a computer screen. In five minutes the exam is over.
The new device, TRIMprob (Tissue Resonance InterferoMeter Probe), consists of a battery-powered baton and a specially designed computer being developed in Turin, Italy, by Galileo Avionica.
The baton houses an antenna that produces microwaves that vary in frequency from 400 MHz to 1,350 MHz. When the microwaves hit a tumor, the tumor resonates at about 400 MHz, producing a signal that interferes with the original signal from the baton.
"They (the tumors) seem to be in a less ordered, less organized, less cohesive state" than normal tissue, said TRIMprob's project leader, Dr. Massimo Balma, in an e-mail interview. "When they are in this disordered state, they are able to answer to the TRIM field."
Information on this interference is sent to a computer that uses a set of algorithms to translate the information into a readable image.
"The computer displays the real-time analysis of the amount of interference measured by the receiver," Balma said.
Speed is not TRIMprob's only asset. The portable, non-invasive gadget is also comparatively cheap.
Galileo Avionica wants the system to roll off the shelves for about $30,000, offering the prospect of an affordable mass-screening technology. A whole-body MRI scanner can cost between $1 million and $3 million dollars, with a single scan setting the patient back $1,000.
Despite its glowing attributes, some think the scanner is more sci-fi than scientific.
"The idea of a Star Trek, Dr. McCoy kind of device that you can hold up to the patient and see tumors is wonderful, but using it will depend on how accurate it is," said Dr. Kent Adler, of Hematology and Oncology Associates in San Mateo, California.
So far, TRIMprob's accuracy has been tested in two independent studies. One test was with prostate cancer at the San Carlo Borromeo Hospital in Milan, the other with breast cancer at the European Institute of Oncology, also in Milan.
The scanner was able to predict prostate tumors in 93 percent of cases that were later confirmed by biopsy. TRIMprob also correctly diagnosed 82 percent of healthy patients as being cancer-free.
In the breast cancer trial, TRIMprob correctly diagnosed cancer in 66 percent of the cases. Balma said that because there are numerous breast cancer pathologies, more research is needed to increase TRIMprob's accuracy in this area.
TRIMprob's role is, however, limited to detection only. It cannot give information on how big the tumors are. If cancer is detected, the patient must undergo further diagnostic scans to determine the course of treatment.
"It could be used to see if there is anything there, and then if yes, a regular exam could be done for diagnostic purposes," said Robert J. Achermann, executive director of the California Radiological Society in Sacramento.
But this will only be useful if TRIMprob gives consistently accurate results.
"If it had a zero percent of false negatives, then it would be useful because it would mean the patient wouldn't have to go on to do more tests," said Dr. Asad Bashay of the University of California, San Diego, Cancer Center.
"But if it wasn't this accurate, then the patient would have to have more scans anyway, so in these circumstances it wouldn't be worth using."
Experts will remain cautious until a study on TRIMprob's abilities has been examined in a peer-reviewed medical journal.
Balma is confident, however, that TRIMprob will stand the test. If it lives up to its reputation, TRIMprob will prove to be a useful addition to the scanners already available.
"If it works, it sounds great," said Dr. Stephen Karp, director of the Lahey Clinic breast cancer center in Burlington, Massachusetts.
Balma said TRIMprob will be in Italian clinics for prostate cancer scanning in September, with further trials for lung, stomach, liver and colorectal cancer already underway. http://www.wired.com
-sure beats a colonoscopy!SIGH!,
as i prep for a scope tomorrow!!
A new handheld scanner may mean patients being screened for cancer will no longer have to cram into the narrow tunnel of an MRI or CT scanner for a grueling 40-minute exam -- the patient won't even need to undress.
The doctor will simply swipe a 30-centimeter baton over the patient's body, and information on any irregular tissue will be displayed on a computer screen. In five minutes the exam is over.
The new device, TRIMprob (Tissue Resonance InterferoMeter Probe), consists of a battery-powered baton and a specially designed computer being developed in Turin, Italy, by Galileo Avionica.
The baton houses an antenna that produces microwaves that vary in frequency from 400 MHz to 1,350 MHz. When the microwaves hit a tumor, the tumor resonates at about 400 MHz, producing a signal that interferes with the original signal from the baton.
"They (the tumors) seem to be in a less ordered, less organized, less cohesive state" than normal tissue, said TRIMprob's project leader, Dr. Massimo Balma, in an e-mail interview. "When they are in this disordered state, they are able to answer to the TRIM field."
Information on this interference is sent to a computer that uses a set of algorithms to translate the information into a readable image.
"The computer displays the real-time analysis of the amount of interference measured by the receiver," Balma said.
Speed is not TRIMprob's only asset. The portable, non-invasive gadget is also comparatively cheap.
Galileo Avionica wants the system to roll off the shelves for about $30,000, offering the prospect of an affordable mass-screening technology. A whole-body MRI scanner can cost between $1 million and $3 million dollars, with a single scan setting the patient back $1,000.
Despite its glowing attributes, some think the scanner is more sci-fi than scientific.
"The idea of a Star Trek, Dr. McCoy kind of device that you can hold up to the patient and see tumors is wonderful, but using it will depend on how accurate it is," said Dr. Kent Adler, of Hematology and Oncology Associates in San Mateo, California.
So far, TRIMprob's accuracy has been tested in two independent studies. One test was with prostate cancer at the San Carlo Borromeo Hospital in Milan, the other with breast cancer at the European Institute of Oncology, also in Milan.
The scanner was able to predict prostate tumors in 93 percent of cases that were later confirmed by biopsy. TRIMprob also correctly diagnosed 82 percent of healthy patients as being cancer-free.
In the breast cancer trial, TRIMprob correctly diagnosed cancer in 66 percent of the cases. Balma said that because there are numerous breast cancer pathologies, more research is needed to increase TRIMprob's accuracy in this area.
TRIMprob's role is, however, limited to detection only. It cannot give information on how big the tumors are. If cancer is detected, the patient must undergo further diagnostic scans to determine the course of treatment.
"It could be used to see if there is anything there, and then if yes, a regular exam could be done for diagnostic purposes," said Robert J. Achermann, executive director of the California Radiological Society in Sacramento.
But this will only be useful if TRIMprob gives consistently accurate results.
"If it had a zero percent of false negatives, then it would be useful because it would mean the patient wouldn't have to go on to do more tests," said Dr. Asad Bashay of the University of California, San Diego, Cancer Center.
"But if it wasn't this accurate, then the patient would have to have more scans anyway, so in these circumstances it wouldn't be worth using."
Experts will remain cautious until a study on TRIMprob's abilities has been examined in a peer-reviewed medical journal.
Balma is confident, however, that TRIMprob will stand the test. If it lives up to its reputation, TRIMprob will prove to be a useful addition to the scanners already available.
"If it works, it sounds great," said Dr. Stephen Karp, director of the Lahey Clinic breast cancer center in Burlington, Massachusetts.
Balma said TRIMprob will be in Italian clinics for prostate cancer scanning in September, with further trials for lung, stomach, liver and colorectal cancer already underway. http://www.wired.com
Taking a Quick Swipe at Cancer
-sure beats a colonoscopy!SIGH!,
as i prep for a scope tomorrow!!
A new handheld scanner may mean patients being screened for cancer will no longer have to cram into the narrow tunnel of an MRI or CT scanner for a grueling 40-minute exam -- the patient won't even need to undress.
The doctor will simply swipe a 30-centimeter baton over the patient's body, and information on any irregular tissue will be displayed on a computer screen. In five minutes the exam is over.
The new device, TRIMprob (Tissue Resonance InterferoMeter Probe), consists of a battery-powered baton and a specially designed computer being developed in Turin, Italy, by Galileo Avionica.
The baton houses an antenna that produces microwaves that vary in frequency from 400 MHz to 1,350 MHz. When the microwaves hit a tumor, the tumor resonates at about 400 MHz, producing a signal that interferes with the original signal from the baton.
"They (the tumors) seem to be in a less ordered, less organized, less cohesive state" than normal tissue, said TRIMprob's project leader, Dr. Massimo Balma, in an e-mail interview. "When they are in this disordered state, they are able to answer to the TRIM field."
Information on this interference is sent to a computer that uses a set of algorithms to translate the information into a readable image.
"The computer displays the real-time analysis of the amount of interference measured by the receiver," Balma said.
Speed is not TRIMprob's only asset. The portable, non-invasive gadget is also comparatively cheap.
Galileo Avionica wants the system to roll off the shelves for about $30,000, offering the prospect of an affordable mass-screening technology. A whole-body MRI scanner can cost between $1 million and $3 million dollars, with a single scan setting the patient back $1,000.
Despite its glowing attributes, some think the scanner is more sci-fi than scientific.
"The idea of a Star Trek, Dr. McCoy kind of device that you can hold up to the patient and see tumors is wonderful, but using it will depend on how accurate it is," said Dr. Kent Adler, of Hematology and Oncology Associates in San Mateo, California.
So far, TRIMprob's accuracy has been tested in two independent studies. One test was with prostate cancer at the San Carlo Borromeo Hospital in Milan, the other with breast cancer at the European Institute of Oncology, also in Milan.
The scanner was able to predict prostate tumors in 93 percent of cases that were later confirmed by biopsy. TRIMprob also correctly diagnosed 82 percent of healthy patients as being cancer-free.
In the breast cancer trial, TRIMprob correctly diagnosed cancer in 66 percent of the cases. Balma said that because there are numerous breast cancer pathologies, more research is needed to increase TRIMprob's accuracy in this area.
TRIMprob's role is, however, limited to detection only. It cannot give information on how big the tumors are. If cancer is detected, the patient must undergo further diagnostic scans to determine the course of treatment.
"It could be used to see if there is anything there, and then if yes, a regular exam could be done for diagnostic purposes," said Robert J. Achermann, executive director of the California Radiological Society in Sacramento.
But this will only be useful if TRIMprob gives consistently accurate results.
"If it had a zero percent of false negatives, then it would be useful because it would mean the patient wouldn't have to go on to do more tests," said Dr. Asad Bashay of the University of California, San Diego, Cancer Center.
"But if it wasn't this accurate, then the patient would have to have more scans anyway, so in these circumstances it wouldn't be worth using."
Experts will remain cautious until a study on TRIMprob's abilities has been examined in a peer-reviewed medical journal.
Balma is confident, however, that TRIMprob will stand the test. If it lives up to its reputation, TRIMprob will prove to be a useful addition to the scanners already available.
"If it works, it sounds great," said Dr. Stephen Karp, director of the Lahey Clinic breast cancer center in Burlington, Massachusetts.
Balma said TRIMprob will be in Italian clinics for prostate cancer scanning in September, with further trials for lung, stomach, liver and colorectal cancer already underway. http://www.wired.com
-sure beats a colonoscopy!SIGH!,
as i prep for a scope tomorrow!!
A new handheld scanner may mean patients being screened for cancer will no longer have to cram into the narrow tunnel of an MRI or CT scanner for a grueling 40-minute exam -- the patient won't even need to undress.
The doctor will simply swipe a 30-centimeter baton over the patient's body, and information on any irregular tissue will be displayed on a computer screen. In five minutes the exam is over.
The new device, TRIMprob (Tissue Resonance InterferoMeter Probe), consists of a battery-powered baton and a specially designed computer being developed in Turin, Italy, by Galileo Avionica.
The baton houses an antenna that produces microwaves that vary in frequency from 400 MHz to 1,350 MHz. When the microwaves hit a tumor, the tumor resonates at about 400 MHz, producing a signal that interferes with the original signal from the baton.
"They (the tumors) seem to be in a less ordered, less organized, less cohesive state" than normal tissue, said TRIMprob's project leader, Dr. Massimo Balma, in an e-mail interview. "When they are in this disordered state, they are able to answer to the TRIM field."
Information on this interference is sent to a computer that uses a set of algorithms to translate the information into a readable image.
"The computer displays the real-time analysis of the amount of interference measured by the receiver," Balma said.
Speed is not TRIMprob's only asset. The portable, non-invasive gadget is also comparatively cheap.
Galileo Avionica wants the system to roll off the shelves for about $30,000, offering the prospect of an affordable mass-screening technology. A whole-body MRI scanner can cost between $1 million and $3 million dollars, with a single scan setting the patient back $1,000.
Despite its glowing attributes, some think the scanner is more sci-fi than scientific.
"The idea of a Star Trek, Dr. McCoy kind of device that you can hold up to the patient and see tumors is wonderful, but using it will depend on how accurate it is," said Dr. Kent Adler, of Hematology and Oncology Associates in San Mateo, California.
So far, TRIMprob's accuracy has been tested in two independent studies. One test was with prostate cancer at the San Carlo Borromeo Hospital in Milan, the other with breast cancer at the European Institute of Oncology, also in Milan.
The scanner was able to predict prostate tumors in 93 percent of cases that were later confirmed by biopsy. TRIMprob also correctly diagnosed 82 percent of healthy patients as being cancer-free.
In the breast cancer trial, TRIMprob correctly diagnosed cancer in 66 percent of the cases. Balma said that because there are numerous breast cancer pathologies, more research is needed to increase TRIMprob's accuracy in this area.
TRIMprob's role is, however, limited to detection only. It cannot give information on how big the tumors are. If cancer is detected, the patient must undergo further diagnostic scans to determine the course of treatment.
"It could be used to see if there is anything there, and then if yes, a regular exam could be done for diagnostic purposes," said Robert J. Achermann, executive director of the California Radiological Society in Sacramento.
But this will only be useful if TRIMprob gives consistently accurate results.
"If it had a zero percent of false negatives, then it would be useful because it would mean the patient wouldn't have to go on to do more tests," said Dr. Asad Bashay of the University of California, San Diego, Cancer Center.
"But if it wasn't this accurate, then the patient would have to have more scans anyway, so in these circumstances it wouldn't be worth using."
Experts will remain cautious until a study on TRIMprob's abilities has been examined in a peer-reviewed medical journal.
Balma is confident, however, that TRIMprob will stand the test. If it lives up to its reputation, TRIMprob will prove to be a useful addition to the scanners already available.
"If it works, it sounds great," said Dr. Stephen Karp, director of the Lahey Clinic breast cancer center in Burlington, Massachusetts.
Balma said TRIMprob will be in Italian clinics for prostate cancer scanning in September, with further trials for lung, stomach, liver and colorectal cancer already underway. http://www.wired.com
Thursday, July 03, 2003
The US health system is criminally negligent !
heres a guy in battle,like many of you for insurance,via a job
his name is Ron Pacheco,I assume from Portuguese descent?,like me.
http://bradchoate.com/past/000528.php
http://bradchoate.com/past/hire_ron_and_win.php
read here,
and pass it on so his son can get help!
heres a guy in battle,like many of you for insurance,via a job
his name is Ron Pacheco,I assume from Portuguese descent?,like me.
http://bradchoate.com/past/000528.php
http://bradchoate.com/past/hire_ron_and_win.php
read here,
and pass it on so his son can get help!
Monday, May 26, 2003
this is why we get cancer!
BodyBurden: the pollution in people.
"Researchers at two major laboratories found an average of 91 industrial compounds, pollutants, and other chemicals in the blood and urine of nine volunteers, with a total of 167 chemicals found in the group. Like most of us, the people tested do not work with chemicals on the job and do not live near an industrial facility. Scientists refer to this contamination as a person’s body burden. Of the 167 chemicals found, 76 cause cancer in humans or animals, 94 are toxic to the brain and nervous system, and 79 cause birth defects or abnormal development. The dangers of exposure to these chemicals in combination has never been studied." This was also the subject of a PBS program by Bill Moyers, Trade Secrets. Moyers himself was found to have 84 chemicals in his blood and urine.
http://www.ewg.org/reports/bodyburden/index.php
http://www.pbs.org/tradesecrets/index.html
BodyBurden: the pollution in people.
"Researchers at two major laboratories found an average of 91 industrial compounds, pollutants, and other chemicals in the blood and urine of nine volunteers, with a total of 167 chemicals found in the group. Like most of us, the people tested do not work with chemicals on the job and do not live near an industrial facility. Scientists refer to this contamination as a person’s body burden. Of the 167 chemicals found, 76 cause cancer in humans or animals, 94 are toxic to the brain and nervous system, and 79 cause birth defects or abnormal development. The dangers of exposure to these chemicals in combination has never been studied." This was also the subject of a PBS program by Bill Moyers, Trade Secrets. Moyers himself was found to have 84 chemicals in his blood and urine.
http://www.ewg.org/reports/bodyburden/index.php
http://www.pbs.org/tradesecrets/index.html
Sunday, May 25, 2003
Beating the odds:"They probably underestimated me."
Poker is like life-death –cancer
Moneymaker wins poker title. Really. By DAVE TULEY LAS VEGAS - Don't bother calling Hollywood. Not even Ripley would believe this story. Chris Moneymaker (that's his real name!) started playing poker three years ago after seeing the movie "Rounders." Working two jobs to make ends meet, the 27-year-old accountant entered a $40 satellite tournament online and earned a spot in the most prestigious tournament on the planet, the $10,000 buy-in Championship Event of the World Series of Poker at Binion's Horseshoe in Las Vegas. Playing in his first "live" tournament (all his previous experience was online), he worked his way through a record field of 839 entrants, knocking off former champions along the way. At the final table, he made every right move and walked away with the $2.5 million first prize early Saturday morning.
"I bluffed a lot in this tournament and somehow I got away with it," Moneymaker said. "If I can win it, anybody can win it."
Moneymaker played like a pro. His lack of experience rarely showed.
"It worked to my advantage," he said. "They probably underestimated me."
Poker is like life-death –cancer
Moneymaker wins poker title. Really. By DAVE TULEY LAS VEGAS - Don't bother calling Hollywood. Not even Ripley would believe this story. Chris Moneymaker (that's his real name!) started playing poker three years ago after seeing the movie "Rounders." Working two jobs to make ends meet, the 27-year-old accountant entered a $40 satellite tournament online and earned a spot in the most prestigious tournament on the planet, the $10,000 buy-in Championship Event of the World Series of Poker at Binion's Horseshoe in Las Vegas. Playing in his first "live" tournament (all his previous experience was online), he worked his way through a record field of 839 entrants, knocking off former champions along the way. At the final table, he made every right move and walked away with the $2.5 million first prize early Saturday morning.
"I bluffed a lot in this tournament and somehow I got away with it," Moneymaker said. "If I can win it, anybody can win it."
Moneymaker played like a pro. His lack of experience rarely showed.
"It worked to my advantage," he said. "They probably underestimated me."
Sunday, April 27, 2003
Getting the inside story on health of your colon
DAVE BARRY Humor
So there I was, on hands and knees, crawling through a 40-foot long, four-foot-high, human colon.
It wasn't a real colon, of course. No human has a colon that size, except maybe Marlon Brando, and I'm sure he has security people to prevent media access.
No, this was a replica. It's called the Colossal Colon, and I'm not making it up. It was conceived of by a 26-year-old cancer survivor named Molly McMaster as a way to get people to talk about their colons. This is a topic that most people don't even like to THINK about. I sure don't, and I bet you don't. But if you never talk to your doctor about your colon, you might never get screened for colon cancer -- the second leading cause of cancer death, though it's preventable -- and you could die, and THEN think how you'd feel.
That's the idea behind the Colossal Colon, which is currently traveling around the nation on a 20-city tour (to see if it's coming to your area, check ColossalColon.com). I caught up with the colon in South Beach, a part of Miami Beach known for sophistication and glamour. You can barely swing your arms there without striking an international supermodel, or a Rolling Stone, or, at the bare minimum, a Baldwin brother. I felt that the Colossal Colon fit right in.
The colon was set up inside an air-conditioned tent, along with displays of helpful information, including a list of ''DOs'' and ''DON'Ts'' for visitors. Among the DON'Ts were: ''DON'T stop for long periods of time inside of the Colossal Colon'' and ''DON'T horseplay inside of the Colossal Colon.'' I thought the wisest advice was: ``DON'T leave your children unattended.''
If you're a parent, there are few experiences more embarrassing than when you report a missing child to the police, and the officer asks you where you last saw little Tiffany, and you have to answer: ``She was entering a giant colon.''
The Colossal Colon, shaped like huge ''C,'' is made from plywood and polyurethane foam. It has been sculpted and painted to look very realistic, so much so that I was frankly reluctant to crawl inside. I was worried about how far they carried the realism. I mean, what if you got deep inside there, and you suddenly were confronted, fun-house-style, by some guy wearing a costume depicting an educational colon-dwelling character, such as Tommy Tapeworm, or, God forbid, Fred Food?
Fortunately, this did not happen. But the journey through the Colossal Colon is no walk in the park. You start out at the end labeled ''Healthy Colon,'' and for a short while it's a pleasant enough crawl. But pretty soon you start running into bad things: first Crohn's disease, then diverticulosis, then polyps, then precancerous polyps, then colon cancer, then advanced colon cancer, and finally -- just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, and start to think you're safe -- you find yourself face to face (so to speak) with one of mankind's worst nightmares: Hemorrhoids the size of regulation NFL footballs.
Shaken? You bet I was shaken. It was with weak knees that I emerged from the end of the colon (medical name: ``The Geraldo''). There I was asked by a member of the Colossal Colon's entourage (yes, it has an entourage) to sign a pledge promising to consult with my doctor about my colon. I signed the pledge, although to be honest, I did not consult with my doctor. I consulted instead with my friend and longtime medical advisor Gene Weingarten, who is widely acknowledged to be the foremost hypochondriac practicing in America today.
Gene told me that he'd been screened for colon cancer, and that the procedure was not nearly as bad as I imagined. This is good, because I imagined that it involved a large, cruel medical technician named ''Horst'' and 70,000 feet of chairlift cable. But Gene assured me that it's nothing like that, and that they make you very comfortable (by which I mean ''give you drugs''). Gene says they make you so comfortable that you'll be laughing and exchanging ``high fives'' with Horst (make sure he washes his hands first).
So I'm going to get the screening, darn it. I hope you do, too, assuming you actually get to see this column. I suspect some editors will decide not to print it, because it contains explicit words that some readers may find distasteful, such as ''Geraldo.'' If you're one of those readers, I apologize if I offended you. But remember: I'm writing this because maybe -- just maybe -- it will save your life.
Ha ha! Not really. I'm writing this because I'm a humor columnist, and there was a giant colon in town.
But get yourself screened anyway.
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/columnists/dave_barry/5721513.htm
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DAVE BARRY Humor
So there I was, on hands and knees, crawling through a 40-foot long, four-foot-high, human colon.
It wasn't a real colon, of course. No human has a colon that size, except maybe Marlon Brando, and I'm sure he has security people to prevent media access.
No, this was a replica. It's called the Colossal Colon, and I'm not making it up. It was conceived of by a 26-year-old cancer survivor named Molly McMaster as a way to get people to talk about their colons. This is a topic that most people don't even like to THINK about. I sure don't, and I bet you don't. But if you never talk to your doctor about your colon, you might never get screened for colon cancer -- the second leading cause of cancer death, though it's preventable -- and you could die, and THEN think how you'd feel.
That's the idea behind the Colossal Colon, which is currently traveling around the nation on a 20-city tour (to see if it's coming to your area, check ColossalColon.com). I caught up with the colon in South Beach, a part of Miami Beach known for sophistication and glamour. You can barely swing your arms there without striking an international supermodel, or a Rolling Stone, or, at the bare minimum, a Baldwin brother. I felt that the Colossal Colon fit right in.
The colon was set up inside an air-conditioned tent, along with displays of helpful information, including a list of ''DOs'' and ''DON'Ts'' for visitors. Among the DON'Ts were: ''DON'T stop for long periods of time inside of the Colossal Colon'' and ''DON'T horseplay inside of the Colossal Colon.'' I thought the wisest advice was: ``DON'T leave your children unattended.''
If you're a parent, there are few experiences more embarrassing than when you report a missing child to the police, and the officer asks you where you last saw little Tiffany, and you have to answer: ``She was entering a giant colon.''
The Colossal Colon, shaped like huge ''C,'' is made from plywood and polyurethane foam. It has been sculpted and painted to look very realistic, so much so that I was frankly reluctant to crawl inside. I was worried about how far they carried the realism. I mean, what if you got deep inside there, and you suddenly were confronted, fun-house-style, by some guy wearing a costume depicting an educational colon-dwelling character, such as Tommy Tapeworm, or, God forbid, Fred Food?
Fortunately, this did not happen. But the journey through the Colossal Colon is no walk in the park. You start out at the end labeled ''Healthy Colon,'' and for a short while it's a pleasant enough crawl. But pretty soon you start running into bad things: first Crohn's disease, then diverticulosis, then polyps, then precancerous polyps, then colon cancer, then advanced colon cancer, and finally -- just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, and start to think you're safe -- you find yourself face to face (so to speak) with one of mankind's worst nightmares: Hemorrhoids the size of regulation NFL footballs.
Shaken? You bet I was shaken. It was with weak knees that I emerged from the end of the colon (medical name: ``The Geraldo''). There I was asked by a member of the Colossal Colon's entourage (yes, it has an entourage) to sign a pledge promising to consult with my doctor about my colon. I signed the pledge, although to be honest, I did not consult with my doctor. I consulted instead with my friend and longtime medical advisor Gene Weingarten, who is widely acknowledged to be the foremost hypochondriac practicing in America today.
Gene told me that he'd been screened for colon cancer, and that the procedure was not nearly as bad as I imagined. This is good, because I imagined that it involved a large, cruel medical technician named ''Horst'' and 70,000 feet of chairlift cable. But Gene assured me that it's nothing like that, and that they make you very comfortable (by which I mean ''give you drugs''). Gene says they make you so comfortable that you'll be laughing and exchanging ``high fives'' with Horst (make sure he washes his hands first).
So I'm going to get the screening, darn it. I hope you do, too, assuming you actually get to see this column. I suspect some editors will decide not to print it, because it contains explicit words that some readers may find distasteful, such as ''Geraldo.'' If you're one of those readers, I apologize if I offended you. But remember: I'm writing this because maybe -- just maybe -- it will save your life.
Ha ha! Not really. I'm writing this because I'm a humor columnist, and there was a giant colon in town.
But get yourself screened anyway.
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/columnists/dave_barry/5721513.htm
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------